


Little blue dot

by Pizzama8



Category: Homestuck, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Drug Addiction, Gen, Homestuck (but not really), Human AU, Not a Crossover, Other, Past Abuse, References to Drug Use, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-07-27 10:21:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7614325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pizzama8/pseuds/Pizzama8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lapis is sad, goes to therapy, her and Peridot hook up probably (it's a work in progress and so are they).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The presence of homestuck characters is just a filler cause I'm too lazy to come up with original characters so this is a crossover but not really.
> 
> Also this is what I'm writing instead of finishing the next chapter of The Generation of Change! Woo! Go me.

A young pale woman wearing a light blue winter dress and a white coat steps into the stuffy office and walks over to the receptionist; she regards everything with a look of suspicion and irritation and her expression does not ease up as she approaches the man sitting behind the desk. He regards her for a moment; she looks haggard with large bags under her dry and slightly bloodshot eyes.

“I’m here for an appointment?”

“Ah name?”

“Lapis Lazuli.”

“What an exceptional name.”

“That’s one way to put it.”

“Please go take a seat over there and you will be called in momentarily.”

Lapis shrugs and walks over to the seat before folding down into it with a sense of fatigue. She rubs her eyes and stifles a yawn and settles her gaze on the clock. One minute ticks by and then another; there was a subtle hypnotic rhythm to the sound of the ticking and the silence of the room had her drowsing off. When her eyes settle close she jolted awake almost violently and glanced up at the clock; she’d slept for three minutes.

A young blonde woman; probably only two years older than lapis herself, steps out of the office along with a disgruntled and angry looking man.

“You’ve come far; keep taking the medicine and I assure you the symptoms will continue to alleviate. As always we are here for you; can we expect to see you at the Christmas dinner?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

“Will you be bringing a date?”

“You know damn well I’ll be bringing a date.”

“I just wanted to make sure; we need to cook enough food for everyone after all not to mention it will help with your recovery.”

“Whatever.”

“Go home, try and get some rest that’s my best advice. Lapis Lazuli?”

Lapis jolted up from her position; looking up at the woman with tired eyes and nodding. She dismisses the man with a quick hug before indicating for the young black haired girl to step into the office.

She instantly decides she doesn’t like it; it’s official, musty, there’s even an old Freudian couch for her to lay on. She walks over to the window that stands in place of a wall and looks out at the city; it’s part-way through December and a layer of snow has settled down on the city giving it a muted and quiet look. She presses a hand against the cool glass before pressing her head against it to try and wake herself up a little.

“It’s quite the view isn’t it?”

“Are you always so friendly with your clients?”

“Pardon?”

“The man; isn’t it unprofessional to have such a close and friendly bond with a client.”

“Usually yes but for him there is an exception; I have built a reputation for maintaining a professional distance from my clients so I’ve been granted the benefit of the doubt for now. I am being closely monitored however and it is quite tiresome.”

“Sounds like it.”

Lapis said non-committedly; not taking her head away from the cool glass. She hears the woman move over to the desk and get something from one of the drawers before sitting down behind her.

“I would offer you a seat but I fear you might just fall asleep on the couch; I’m not above letting my clients sleep here but this is a very expensive hotel considering we charge by the hour.”

“I’m fine standing.”

The therapis clears her throat and stirs in her seat as she regards the woman in front of her. Lapis was still wearing her coat and she’d made no indication that she intended to stay for more than perhaps a few minutes. The first hurdle of many the therapist supposed.

“Are you in a hurry? We have only just started.”

“I’m not taking it off.”

“Do you mind if I ask why?”

“Because you’ll ask more questions when you see what’s under it.”

“Huh. Now you’ve just piqued my curiosity. However we can work towards removing the coat; let’s start with why you’re here.”

Lapis considered the question for a full minute; standing in mute silence whilst the therapist waitedquietly. Why was she here? Did she really need help or was it just because she’d scared the hell out of Peridot when she’d sleep-walked straight into her room in the middle of the night and her roommate had insisted (going so far as to even pay the bill for the first session) that she see someone?

“I scared a friend because I was sleep-walking so she made me come here.”

“Do you sleep walk often?”

“Lately; very.”

“Why do you think you’ve been sleep walking if this is a recent development?”

“Next question.”

“Why don’t you want to answer that one?”

“Because I don’t want to be here.”

“Then you may leave. I’m not holding you hostage.”

She sighed; it wasn’t that simple. The therapy sessions were one hundred dollars an hour and that was just for a brief consultation and Peridot had already paid for five.

“A friend paid for today. If I leave early it would be… rude.”

“Social convention gets the better of the best of us. Would you like some coffee? You seem exhausted.”

The change of subject startled Lapis and she finally tore her head away from the cool glass of the window and turned to watch the woman prepare a mug of coffee.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Lapis just nodded but made no movement to sit; instead examining her therapist for the first time. There wasn’t a hair out of place; everything was neatly controlled and in place from the formal way she was dressed to the rigid way she stood as she poured a mug of coffee. She looked meticulously clean and now looking around there was a distinctly ordered style to the way everything was organised; the bookshelf was alphabetical and the desk practically had a grid on it.

“OCD?”

“Hmm? Symptoms but not quite a disorder. Not yet.”

“Should you really be treating others if you’re sick yourself?”

The woman laughed at this and walked over and handed a mug of hot bitter liquid to Lapis who took an unflinching sip from the cup.

“I would argue that I’ve got the best kind of perspective. Didn’t that hurt?”

“It did but it woke me up a little.”

“Do you usually hurt yourself to keep awake?”

“Not intentionally.”

The therapist nodded before moving to behind her desk and sitting down; nursing her own mug of coffee in her hands and regarding Lapis with a clinical and critical view.

“The anxiety can be physically painful some times and I occasionally lose upwards of an hour of my time doing the same ritual over and over but do you know what the worst part is?”

“What?”

“How it affects my girlfriend. She’s patient and loving but I exhaust her and there are days where I think she might leave me, just to get away from the growing madness. Heaven knows I would.”

“Why don’t you do something about it?”

“I see a therapist every other week when my schedule allows but progress is slow. When you know the tricks it becomes a matter of mentality and I frankly do not have the right sort of mentality for a speedy recovery.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

The woman smirked and leaned back in her seat.

“Guess.”

Lapis rolled her eyes but the therapist seemed adamant.

“You’re trying to build a rapport and sense of trust with me.”

She nods and sips from her drink before setting it down on the desk; it stays there for approximately three seconds before she moves it again, and then again until its settled nicely into some imaginary grid square present only in her head.

“Do you think you need help?”

Lapis looked away; her eyes cast down for a brief moment before she looks up at her with an accusatory glare.

“Do you think I need help?”

“Yes.”

Lapis opened her mouth to speak but fell silent; she hadn’t been expecting a response.

“You are here because your friend insisted; it is in my personal experience that our friends and lovers and family are much better at picking up when something is wrong than we are. If your friend says you should be here then you should probably be here.”

Lapis simply fixed Rose with a blank look before blinking slowly.

“Lapis?”

“Huh?”

“What was that?”

“I’m exhausted, I zone out occasionally.”

“You looked lost; what were you thinking about?”

Lapis rolled her shoulder before standing up and clearing her throat.

“I want to leave.”

The therapist leaned back in her seat and regarded her before nodding.

“Do you want me to call someone to come pick you up?”

“No. I’m fine. I can take care of myself.”

The therapist nodded and indicated towards the door; Lapis hesitated before walking out and slamming the door shut behind her. The receptionist gave her a concern frown but she ignored him and walked straight to the exit. Out in the cool air of the front of the building she felt better, freer.

Her phone vibrated and she looked at it; a text from Peridot. She sighed and opened the message; smiling faintly at the fact that it was in all-caps. There was a strange sort of comfort in those angry and bold letters lined up after each other.

“HOW IS THE SESSION GOING. MSG ME WHEN U R DONE.”

She had forty five minutes left to kill. There was another message.

“I C U WAT HAPPENED?”

Lapis looked up from her phone and there across the street in a café was a small anxious looking Korean woman. Of course she’d be waiting for her to finish; it would be endearing if it didn’t remind her of someone else. It was easy to forgive her however; she knew her friend didn’t know any better.

“I freaked out sorry.”

She sent back. There was a minute whilst Peridot typed out a reply; it began to snow and she was transfixed on the way it was falling from the sky that she almost missed the vibration of the phone in her hand.

“WANT SOME HOT-CHOCOLATE?”

 

 

 


	2. Chapter Two (Formerly; Thirty seconds later.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief chat in the cafe and the end of the first therapy session.

The café was quiet and a girl Lapis was sure she’d seen somewhere before served them two hot mugs of sweet tasting hot-chocolate. She cradled the warm mug in her hands and enjoyed how the warmth seeped gently into her bones and for a moment she was alone in the café, in the world even, she closed her eyes but was then nudged gently awake by her roommate.

“Hmm?”

She said; opening her eyes a fraction before shaking her head and drinking the hot liquid again. It burned her tongue but it woke her up; besides the pain brought with it it’s own weird sense of relief.

“Why did you leave early?”

“She asked too many questions.”

Lapis said in a voice that suggest that the last thing the therapist had done was ask too many questions; she leaned back in her seat and looked around the café. There were many kinds of people there; the city populated by many different cultures and ethnicities, a veritable melting pot of different societies from across the world and they had all decided they wanted to be here.

There was a woman in the corner clearly very bored whilst her apparent date rambled on about something out of earshot, two parents with their children were cosying up together whilst their kids entertained themselves with colour books (why did the café have colouring books?) not to mention the half dozen or so university students all sitting around by themselves typing away at laptops and trying to look important and convinced they were writing the next big hit.

“She’s a therapist isn’t that like her job?”

“I told you I didn’t want to go.”

Peridot gave her a desperate look; her right hand scratching at the underside of the table where they were sitting. She’s probably damaging her nails but Lapis made no remark.

“Will you be going next week?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can you please go next week? If only for ten minutes.”

“I can do ten minutes.”

Peridot sighed and sipped from her own drink; unlike Lapis she blew on it beforehand, not warning to burn her tongue with the scalding liquid. She sighed happily at the taste before thinking how best to address her friend; Lapis wasn’t even looking at her, her eyes focused on everything around her and not the person that had just sent her to therapy.

“Lapi-”

“I said I’d go what more do you want.”

Peridot was silent; what did she want? A lot of things if she was being honest; a brand new laptop, better streaming software, perfect skin and healthier eating habits, she also wanted Lapis to be happy she supposed and she figured that’s what she was meant to say as opposed to the other things.

“We should head back home; my car is around the corner do you want a lift?”

“No thank you. I think I’ll stay out a little longer.”

Peridot nodded and continued to sip her drink; her head down and focused on the brown liquid rather than at how Lapis hugged herself close, like the girl was trying to turn in on herself. Peridot finished her drink in silence before getting up and leaving Lapis alone in the shop; when she was alone in her car she kicked it out of frustration before heading home.

Lapis stared down at her drink before finishing it off, paying and crossing the street back to the therapist’s office. She climbed up the stairs and walked past the secretary who stood up and made to stop her, following her into the therapist’s office but was then promptly dismissed by her boss.

“You have seventeen minutes of my time left; as you can appreciate I leave on time regardless so whatever you have to say I would suggest saying it promptly.”

“You’re very blunt for a therapist.”

The woman smiled and sat down and indicated for Lapis to sit down in the couch; she hesitated before sitting down and drumming her fingers nervously nervously against her knee whilst the therapist waited patiently for her to speak up.

“I don’t know where to start.”

“I would suggest at the beginning but in my experience that’s usually where we get to last. Why did you come back?”

Lapis sighed; why had she come back? Why had she come here in the first place?

“Because my roommate asked me to.”

“She was waiting for you outside and told you to come back in?”

“No… I mean she was in the coffee shop across the street and she didn’t explicitely ask me to come back. She was just disappointed that I had left early.”

“So you didn’t want to disappoint her and came back? Is it because she paid for the session.”

Was it because of the money? No not really; Peridot made plenty more than she did, out of the two of them she was the one that usually stepped up to cover rent or bills whenever Lapis was short. As she thought about it she realised how much Peridot did for her.

“No that’s not it.”

“Do you feel like you usually disappoint her?”

Yes.

“No.”

“This works best if you’re honest.”

Lapis frowned; the ticking of the clock no longer felt oppressive but anxious, as though the time she once feared would never pass now was passing far too quickly.

“Are you and your roommate together?”

“No.”

“Then why did you come back?”

Another long pause.

“Lapis why are you here? For yourself or for someone else?”

“Both.”

The therapist frowned this time.

“Lapi-“

“Miss Lalonde.”

“Call me Rose.”

“Rose I wish I knew why I came back, I wish I knew why I left in the first place, but I have no idea what I’m doing but I don’t want to lie to Peridot again and I can’t keep letting her down either.”

“So you do feel like you disappoint her?”

Lapis looked away at that; she was about to open her mouth to speak but then Rose tapped her watch.

“I’m sorry our time is up. Think on my final question; when we talk next week, is it safe to presume that we’ll be talking next week?”

Lapis nodded sullenly.

“When we talk next week lets focus on the relationship with your roommate.”  
  
Rose said; standing and holding the door open for Lapis to leave; the girl hesitated before making her way outside of the building for the second time and then walking down to the bus station. She needed to think about a lot of things.

Back at their apartment Peridot was clicking through streams; she was in no mood to stream herself and so far nobody was playing anything interesting. She sighed and rolled over in her bed and stared blankly up at the ceiling. Why was it so hard to tell someone she cared about them? She balled her hands into fists and beat the mattress frustratedly before taking a deep breath and calming herself down; it was so difficult for her to articulate how she felt, to tell Lapis how worried she was about her and how concerned she was for her friends health.

Talking to people was so hard in person; at least when she streamed all she had to do was get angry at whatever game she was playing and people would flock from all over the world to watch her yell at her computer.

 

 


	3. The second session

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therapy is mostly a conversation so this chapter is mostly dialogue.

A week later Lapis stumbled into her shared apartment and hung her coat up and ran a hand through her hair (it was blue today, tomorrow she was thinking green) before collapsing on to the couch and closing her eyes. She’d slept a total of eighteen hours in the last seven days and she could feel the exhaustion seeping into her bones in a way that left her aching down to her soul. She yawned and closed her eyes only to jolt awake again when her phone alarm went off; she grabbed it and checked it.

The alarm blared loudly as the words “Appointment” flashed red on her screen; she groaned and got up, she hadn’t checked the time when she’d come in so she had no idea how long she’d been out but the nap had done nothing to alleviate her exhaustion so she figured it didn’t count.

She groaned and stretched before walking into the kitchen and rummaging through the cupboards before she found a cup of instant-soup. She set it down next to the kettle, turned the kettle on and left it to boil to go check on Peridot. She was always hesitant when it came to entering her friends room; interrupting a stream was a sure-fire way to earn her friends ire for the next week at least. She tentatively pushed the door open and peered in before stepping into the room when she saw Peridots form slumped over her computer desk.

Lapis sigh and pulled the blanket off of Peridot’s bed only to grimace at the number of empty chocolate and crisp wrappers that were laying about the place. She sighed and cleared Peridot’s bed before heading over to her small friend and gently picking her up in her arms; she shook her head at the state of her friend and tucked her into bed before heading over to the computer.

The light of the webcam was still on as she sat down she realised that she’d fallen asleep mid stream; Lapis waved at the camera and the handful of people that had hung around sent messages into the stream’s chat saying goodnight or goodbye as Lapis turned off the stream and signed Peridot off. She leaned back in the chair before swivelling around in it to face Peridot; she had half a mind to curl up with her friend and sleep with her.

In the end though she dragged herself to the appointment; it was costing her friend a lot of money after all. This time she showed up five minutes early and sat in the waiting room patiently whilst she finished up with the man that was there last week and he left looking only a little less annoyed than the last time she’d seen him.

“Miss Lazuli?”

Rose called and Lapis stood and walked into the office and this time sat straight down in the sofa; she waivered a little when she sat, rocking gently from side to side.

“Not sleeping well?”

“No.”

“Insomnia?”

“Not really; I get nightmares frequently and after a while they were so bad that I gave up on the notion of sleeping properly.”

Rose frowned and began to write something down in her notebook; Lapis fought the urge to lean over and see what she was writing. The therapist noticed Lapis’ curiosity and pushed the notepad across so she could read it; currently there was just the word “nightmares” written at the top.

“I’m just taking notes on what you’re saying.”

“Right.”

Lapis seemed sceptical but she pushed the notepad back across the desk towards Rose anyway.

“These nightmares; what are they about?”

“Drowning usually; sometimes voluntary others I’m doing it to myself.”

“Which ones are worse?”

She paused; she had never really considered which were worse but the answer seemed so obvious when the question was presented to her.

“When I’m doing it to myself.”

“Why do you think you’re trying to drown yourself in these nightmares?”

She shrugged self-consciously; because she deserved it, because she had to be punished for her actions.

“I don’t know.”

“I think you do.”

“I don’t want to tell you.”

Rose nodded and wrote that down too.

“If you wish to avoid a subject say so; that’s more valuable to me than no answer at all. I’m here to help but you need to work with me right?”

Lapis nodded slowly; she was still getting used to the idea of sharing such personal parts of herself with someone who was basically a paid stranger.

“How is your friend? The one that booked the sessions?”

“Currently? She’s sleeping but she’s okay, overly worried about me.”

“That’s a bold assumption; what makes you say she’s overly worried?”

Lapis opened her mouth to speak; because she wasn’t worth the effort, because she wasn’t sure if she could be fixed so worrying about it was pointless.

“I do- I think that i- Next question.”

Rose scribbled another note in her book.

“Are you warm? You’re still wearing your coat; I can turn the heating up if you would like.”

“It’s not the temperature of the room; I know it’s silly but the long sleeves make me feel safe. I feel less exposed, less open.”

The sleeves also held the various marks up and down her arm that she was afraid would get her sent straight into an institute somewhere. That she did not want; she’d been held against her will before and the thought of living in that kind of environment again made her shudder.

“So the jacket is a coping mechanism of sorts? A kind of security blanket.”

“I guess; does it matter that much what it’s called?”

“I suppose not but some day you will have to take it off.”

She scowled at that;

“The only person I take it off around is Peri, there’s not many people I trust that much.”

Rose nodded at that and took a moment to re-evaluate her point of attack; right now Lapis had her guard up and walls reinforced. However the fact that she’d come back for another meeting after being so reluctant last time indicated that on some level the girl in front of her wanted help.

“What did Peridot tell you?”

Lapis suddenly asked and Rose was taken aback by that; if she was honest than she might damage the relationship of her support network unintentionally but if she lied then there would be no way to earn back the trust Lapis was starting to show.

“She said you only leave your apartment to go to work, you refuse to socialise with anybody, and that the only person you let near you is her. Normally I would’ve just reasoned that you were an introvert but then she mentioned panic attacks, your lack of sleep and other things.”

“What sort of things.”

“Drug use.”

Lapis inhaled so sharply it sounded like a bitter hiss; her heart pounded in her chest and then felt like it stopped. Rose watched the girl’s transformation for a few moments before coughing to get her attention.

“If I were to inform the police I would lose my licence and no offence meant to you but my ability to practice is more important to me than making sure you get punished for a little self-indulgence.”

There was a pause followed by;

“It is only a little self-indulgence Lapis?”

Rose knew the answer to that question and she felt she understood the girl in front of her a little better. She looked exhausted, shaking, anxious and fearful and she was willing to bet that the long sleeves hid needle marks.

“It’s under control.”

“It’s never under control. Human beings use all sorts of things as coping mechanisms but addiction, if left untreated, is always lethal. Trust me.”

“Can we talk about something else please.”

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist we address this issue; how frequently do you use?”

“Why do you care?

“I’m paid to care; it’s my job and if you want me to stop caring then stop coming to these sessions and wasting my time. Your friend doesn’t have that luxury; she cares about you no matter what, you’re a lucky person to have someone willing to risk damaging their relationship with you to protect you.”

“She promised me she wouldn’t tell anyone; I have it under control.”

“How frequently Lapis?

Lapis rolled her shoulder self-consciously and rubbed the back of her neck with her hand before sighing and shrugging.

“Maybe two, three times a week? Nothing life-threatening I’m not selling my body for drugs or anything and besides I’m getting better I used to use twice as much as I do now.”

Rose nods and decides to let it go for now; the drug use was just another symptom, there was something else however eating at her and that’s what she had to address. She leaned back in her seat and regarded Lapis with a thoughtful expression.

“Why are you here?”

“Haven’t we been over this?”

“That was last week; humour me this week.”

“Peridot paid for the session, it was a lot of money, and I don’t want to disappoint her. Her opinion means a lot to me.”

Rose nods as if gaining some sudden profound insight from her answer.

“Would you still come If she hadn’t already paid for the sessions?”

“No. Your practice is overpriced and the building you are based in is intimidating. I would have probably just gone somewhere for an hour every week to stop her worrying about me; it gets annoying and a little overbearing after a while.”

“So you’re here to placate your friend then? How long have you two known each other?”

“About five years now I think? We were roommates at college.”

“Were you two ever close?”

She blushed and frowned.

“No I was already seeing someone at the time.”

She said placing extra emphasis on “that”; there had been nights sure when they were both drunk but nothing ever came of it except some admittedly overly friendly cuddling.

“If you weren’t do you think anything would have happened between the two of you?”

She shrugged.

“Maybe? It doesn’t exactly matter anymore we’re both over whatever romantic or sexual tension there might have been between us.”

That was a bit of a lie but her love life had nothing to do with whatever Rose was trying to accomplish; at this point she felt like Rose was just prying.

“I’m sorry what does this have to do with anything?”

“I’m trying to gain a better understanding of you and your life; the more I know about you and your relationships with others the better I’ll be able to help. Perhaps you’d feel more comfortable if you got to ask me questions in return? Frankly I’m feeling a little bit like I’m interrogating you.”

“Sure, paying someone so that I can ask them personal questions about their life is exactly my idea of a good time.”

“Do you want to try it or not?”

Lapis rolled her eyes but then nodded; maybe knowing something about her therapist would make her willing to open up.

“Are you married?”

“Engaged.”

“Man or woman?”

“Woman most certainly.”

“How did your parents take it?”

“Dad was never around and my mother was painfully supportive. I had a very loving home life my mother made sure of that. What about yours?”

“I was an orphan but the nuns used to lock the girls away in a confession booth for an hour if they ever caught us kissing each other. When we became teens they just kicked us out on the street.”

“That sounds dreadful.”

“Not really; living on the streets was better than being in the orphanage. Did you ever meet your dad?”

“No and I never wanted to; any man who would abandon my mother was one not worthy of my attention. Besides I doubt that even my mother knew who he was. You?”

“I tracked down my mother and she took me in, albeit a little reluctantly. She’d already started another family. The rest of her family loved me just fine but she felt like I was ruining everything for her new rainbow coloured life; soon as I could go to college I applied and left which was where I met Peridot.”

“What about this romantic partner of yours? Did you starting dating them before or after you went college.”

“Before, I tried to break up with her but she followed me and I had no choice.”

“You had no choice?”

“I tried to break up with her again and she had me put into emergency care because I was “emotionally unstable”. I spent a month in a mental institution trying to convince my therapists that I was perfectly sane; they only let me free when she came to collect me. I stopped trying to break up with her after that.”

“That’s awful; I’m sorry you were locked away like that.”

“Don’t apologise I can’t stand pity; after that she got… worse.”

“In what way?”

Lapis had hugged her legs up against her chest during the conversation and she looked away from Rose for a moment before speaking again.

“Tell me about your fiancée.”

“Kanaya is the best thing that has ever happened to me but ashamedly I don’t tell her so as frequently as she deserves. She’s beautiful, in fact she gives beauty its definition and I count every day that I’m with her as another tally in my greatest achievement.”

Lapis was taken aback by such honest devotion and she wondered if perhaps this process was more two-way than Rose let on. She certainly seemed to gain some catharsis from being so frank about her emotions.

“She sounds like an interesting person.

“The most interesting one I know; tell me your… partners name.”

“Jasper.”

 


	4. Chapter Four

“A man?”

She snorted and shook her head; if Jasper had been a man then things might have been a little more straightforward. Nobody wants to acknowledge when a woman is the abuser and it seems doubly apparent in relationships between women.

“She was on the school hockey team and I used to be a cheerleader so I guess it was meant to be in a twisted kind of way? Before it got fucked up. How did you meet Kanaya?”

“There was an ad on my university campus asking for female models who’d be interested in modelling clothes in exchange for wine, tea and pleasant company. I figured why not and things just went on from there.”

“Cute; when I came out at school Jasper would beat up anyone that tried to pick on me. Including teachers. She got in a lot of trouble on my behalf and I suppose I should have seen the warning signs but it wasn’t until she stopped letting me see other friends that I started feeling I don’t know scared? But not really; I was a teenager and stupid and Jasper was my type.”

Rose nods and glances at her wrist watch before closing her note pad.

“As much as I hate to end our session there but our time has run out; I would love to go over and talk this through with you but my fiancée gets upset when I put work before our relationship. Justifiably so I must say I’ve not been a very good partner to her in the past.”  
  
Lapis nods and stands up; thoughts now swirling in her head thickly, memories refusing to dislodge themselves from her conscience. Her hands gripped the sleeves of her coat tightly like she was trying to tear them off before she let go of them with a deep breath.

“-ou okay?”

She snapped out of her disorientation and looked up at Rose and gave a small mute nod whilst the therapist led the way out of the room. Rose placed a hesitant but concerned hand on Lapis’ shoulder and the woman didn’t shy away from it.

“I’m sorry talking about Jasper is… hard.”

“I understand and I’ll be mindful in our next session; you’ve made progress today, you’re talking to me and you didn’t rush out of the session halfway through. All good signs.”

Rose tried to offer the anxious woman an encouraging smile but Lapis just shrugged dismissively; as far as she could tell they’d just played twenty questions. She didn’t feel better; in fact she felt a lot worse about herself. She sighed before finally responding to Rose.

“Thank you for trying to be positive, maybe next session I’ll feel a better about what we’ve talked about. Goodnight Miss Lalonde.”

“Rose.”

“Goodnight Rose.”

Outside it was raining; bolts of water struck the pavement and those walking on it painfully causing people to hug coats and umbrellas close. She shivered as she got onto the bus, flashed her ticket and walked over to the nearest empty seat. The rain thundered on the roof and Lapis pressed her fingers against her head.

The walk up the stairs to the apartment was almost impossible and by the time she got in she discarded her dripping coat into the bath tub along with her shoes, stripped down to her underwear and crawled into bed with an exhausted grunt. Sleep came quickly but that night she dreamt of drowning; of being pushed underwater again and again and whenever she came to the surface the smug self-assured face of Jasper grinned down at her.

She awoke four hours later; feeling a little better and without a headache but there was a cold dull ache in her bones, a craving. She reached out and grabbed a pillow and hugged it tightly against her chest; it wasn’t quite the same but actual human contact was seemingly beyond her at the moment. She drifted off to sleep again before waking up to the sound of her alarm.

How long had she been asleep? She glanced at the alarm and blinked drearily in the morning sun; besides waking up in the middle of the night she’d actually managed to get a full eight hours’ worth of rest. She groaned and wondered why she had set the alarm; it was her day off today and if it hadn’t woken her she could’ve slept for longer.

She pushed herself out of bed and pulled off her bra; stretching and grabbing a nearby shirt that went all the way down to her knees. It had a picture of a glass of clear liquid on it with the caption “Half empty? Half Full? My glass is vodka”. An impulse purchase sure but it did the job of making her decent without her having to put any actual effort.

The smell of something cooking coaxed her awake and she got up out of bed and head into the living room slash kitchen and sat down at the dining table. Peridot was already up and dressed in a pair of shorts and a tank top, humming to herself whilst she cooked what Lapis presumed were pancakes.

“How was yesterday’s session? Did you go?”

“It was fine and yeah; you can call her if you don’t believe me.”

“I believe you.”

Her roommate said “I believe you” in a way that suggested she would at least be dropping a text Rose’s way at some point that day just to make sure.

“What’re you cooking?”

“Pancakes; I made some for you.”

She said as she set a plate with four pancakes piled on it down in front of lapis and added a similarly stacked plate on her side of the table. She retrieved their maple syrup, chocolate sauce and whipped cream from their cupboards and placed them on the table before beginning to eat. Lapis pushed her pancakes on her plate sceptically with a fork before finally speaking.

“So you told her I did drugs.”

“I told her you used to do drugs. You kicked the habit remember?”

Peridot said pointedly; focusing on her pancakes and the process of placing their fluffy goodness into her mouth. Lapis frowned and looked down at her own breakfast guiltily.

“Yeah.”

Was all she said before eating a mouthful of the breakfast. Together they ate in silence before Peridot finally spoke up.

“Whe-“

“Empty poptart box at the bottom of my wardrobe.”

“Why?”

“Do I take them? Or did I lie to you?”

“I know why you take them why did you lie to me?”

Peridot’s voice cracked a little but she held back her tears; she looked like dog waiting for its owner to come home, she wiped her eyes and bit into her pancake.

“Did Rose tell you then?”

“Yeah; you should probably sue her, she seems pretty willing to break patient confidentiality.”

“She seems to think you’re my keeper or something; I’m not going to get mad at her for that. She wasn’t the one I specifically asked not to tell anyone about it.”

“I thought it was water under the bridge but apparently not.”

She stabbed her last remaining pancake with her fork angrily before standing up and taking her plate over to a bin and putting the last pancake there in the trash. She dumped her plates into the sink that she’d filled with water and soap at the start and began to scrub away her anger.

“I’m sorry.”

“No you’re not; not really. I. Am. Just. Trying. To. He- Fuck!”

She yelped when her anger finally shattered the plate in her hand cutting open her palm. She gripped the edge of the sink with her good hand and dug her nails into the metal before rinsing off her bleeding palm with the water and wrapping paper towels around the wound.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes Lapis. I am fine. Not even bleeding.”

Peridot said even as she got the first aid kit out from under the sink and began to rifle through it for bandages.

“Peri let me see it.”

Lapis hurried over to her friend and took her hand; pulling the paper towels away and grimacing at the rather deep gash in her friends palm before dabbing it clean with anti-septic wipes and applying a bandage to it.

“You’re going to need stitches; we need to take you to an emergency room.”

“I can go by myself.”

“I’m coming with you just give me a second to get dressed.”

Peridot rolled her eyes but sat down and indicated for Lapis to go get dressed; a few minutes later Lapis came out dressed in (relatively) clean clothes and after briefly helping Peridot get her shoes on they head out together. Lapis hailed a cab for them and they both got in and made a point of looking in the opposite direction of each other.

“I’m sorry I lied to you, I really am. I don’t know it’s hard to talk about it.”

“It shouldn’t be.”

“Huh?”

“It shouldn’t be hard to talk to me about it. We’re best friends remember, I’m here to help you even through the really hard stuff. Why don’t you ever talk to me?”

“I do!”

Peridot snorted and Lapis looked over at the hand; already it was starting to bleed through the bandage.

“How’re you feeling? Faint? “

“A little whoozy but mostly because of the pain but to be honest being straight up lied to for several months hurts more than the cut.”

Lapis frowned but said nothing; the rest of the car journey was spent in silence whilst the cab driver drove through the city and dropped them off at the nearest hospital. Peridot hurried off into the emergency room whilst Lapis paid the driver and followed after her.

They sat there in silence whilst the doctor cleaned and stitched up Peridots cut; when he was done they both left and decided to wait for a bus rather than paying out for another taxi. They sat together and overhead the weather gradually began to worsen. Peridot was the first to break the silence.

“I’m sorry.”

“Huh?”

“I’m sorry for telling someone about the drugs. I was just scared and I didn’t know how to talk to you about it and you were going to talk to her about it eventually so I figured it would be fine.”

“I forgive you… thanks, I mean for looking out for me. I know you didn’t tell her to hurt me, I guess I’ve just been in a bad mood lately.”

Peridot nodded silently and stared down at her feet; it began to gently rain again and Lapis held out a hand from the safety of the shelter and felt the cold water land in her palm and trickle around her hand.

“Is it my fault?”

Peridot looked up at Lapis’ voice and frowned.

“Is what your fault?”

“Everything… all Jasper did to me… how messed up I am… is it because I’m a bad person?”

“No.”

“No?”

“It’s not your fault.”

Peridot didn’t add anything though and she seemed to be deep in thought.

“I think it’s wrong to blame anyone other than Jasper for what Jasper did, she was pretty crazy as far as crazy ex’s go and like she wanted to control you, to hurt you, and you did what you had to do to survive. I mean you don’t blame a victim for getting mugged or being murdered right? Why would you blame yourself because your ex was a nasty person.”

“I just guess if maybe I hadn’t indulged her in the first place, hadn’t reciprocated her feelings or told her to stop sooner she might’ve just left me alone after a while.”

“You were a gay teenager; I think you can be forgiven for latching on to the only person who showed you any affection. I know I did we just don’t know any better at that age.”

She pulled her hand back under the safety of the shelter and walked over to Peridot who was still staring at her feet; she walked over and gently wrapped her arms around Peridot who jumped a little before looking up and returning the hug. Lapis gently took her hand and examined the stitches.

“Does it hurt?”

“Like a bitch.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha I've had no internet for a week, haha I wrote this seven days ago, haha it's just been sitting here, hahahhahhaha *sobs*


	5. Chapter Five

Lapis and Peridot sat across from each other eating dinner quietly; the bus ride home had been a little awkward and neither of them knew what to say to the other so they’d settled for silence until they got home and then Lapis asked what Peridot wanted to do about dinner before offering to cook for both of them. So there they sat with the weight of both their mistakes weighing heavily on both in the air.

With dinner finished Lapis got up and walked over into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine whilst Peridot set about cleaning what passed for a dining table. She took a sip from her glass before finally speaking up to her roommate.

“I… want to quit too you know. I act like the drugs aren’t a problem but they are, it’s not that they’re destroying my life it’s just that I can’t…. I use pretty frequently and I used to be able to stop whenever but now whenever I try to…”

She left the sentence hanging in the air before taking another sip from her glass; she didn’t really like wine but the bitterness and alcohol usually dulled the worst of the cravings. She wondered if Peridot could tell just how bad she’d let her dependency get.

“I get it and I’m here for you Lapis but it’s hard if you’re lying to me.”

Peridot said as she walked over to the kitchen and took the bottle and poured a glass for herself. Lapis looked down at her small friend and rolled her shoulder self-consciously before nodding and taking a longer sip of her glass.

“So… what do you do?”

“Hmm?”

“I mean what drugs do you do?”

“Just heroin… it helps with the anxiety and panic attacks. Or it did. I don’t know these days it feels like if I don’t take it then I’ll have no way to cope at all.”

“That’s addiction Lapis.”

“I know.”

Lapis said guiltily and frowned down at the red liquid before drinking slowly from it again and frowning as the bitter liquid washed down her throat.

“What do you want to do?”

Peridot’s voice was soft, gentle, and Lapis shrugged away from her. Peridot reached out gently and took her friends hand and gave it a gentle squeeze before setting her glass down and reaching over and taking Lapis’ from her hands and setting it down too. Lapis looked down at her with an exhausted expression.

“I want to get better.”

Peridot nodded.

“I’m here to help.”

“I know… Rose says she knew a few people who might be able to help. I’ll get their details and give them a call next week.”

Peridot gently wrapped her arms around Lapis’ waist and hugged her tightly; Lapis rested a hand on her friends head and stroked a hand through her hair slowly. Peridot mumbled something against Lapis’ chest before looking away.

“What did you say?”

“You’re really frustrating to live with you know that?”

Lapis snorted and nodded.

“I figured.”

“You just act so isolated and distant, like you’re the only person you can trust.”

“I know.”

“But you can trust me!”

“I know….”

Peridot looked up at Lapis and Lapis stared guiltily down at her. Then Peridot did something unexpected and leaned up on her tip toes to kiss her gently on the lips before pulling away; Lapis stared at her in confusion for a moment before leaning down and pulling her in close to kiss her with considerably less gentleness.

A few hours later they lay in Peridot’s bed curled up against each other, naked and a little bit sticky. Lapis was breathing gently with her eyes closed and arms wrapped around Peridot’s stomach. Peridot nestled back against Lapis body with a happy and content sigh, they lay there for a few minutes in silence before Peridot finally spoke.

“So… are we… I mean… a thing?”

“That’s up to you.”

“I want us to be a thing.”

Lapis snorted a brief laugh and Peridot grinned before rolling around and wrapping her arms around Lapis, breathing in her girlfriend’s scent before happily falling asleep in her arms. Lapis gently stroked her friend’s hair before slowly falling asleep herself.

“So how do you feel about the development of this relationship with your roommate?”

Rose asked with a small grin; Lapis was certainly looking a lot happier if somewhat fidgety.

“Good… I don’t know, it’s been a while since I was last in a relationship so I don’t know what to expect.”

“Well I’ve always been of the stance that relationships are friendships that just happen to be a bit more intimate. I doubt much will change between you and Peridot.”

“I know but my last relationship wasn’t exactly a healthy one so I’m really scared I’m going to do something to mess it up.”

Rose frowned a little and leaned forward in her seat.

“Why do you think you’ll mess it up?”

Lapis shifted uncomfortably in her seat and hugged herself protectively.

“Because I messed up my last one.”

“Your last relationship was with an unhinged abusive individual who locked you away in an asylum against your will. I would say that messing it up was a good thing to be honest.”

“She wasn’t crazy at the start and sometimes I think that…. Well maybe if I’d been a little more attentive that she wouldn’t have been so crazy? I don’t know people don’t… they don’t get like that for no reason.”

“I can assure you that you’re absolutely right but whatever changed her, whatever warped her into an abuser, it happened years before you even met her. I wouldn’t trouble yourself over much with why your abusive ex abused you. “

“I guess but knowing that won’t stop the guilt that I feel because of it.”

Rose regarded her for a second with a curious expression.

“No, not straight away. Every time you start to feel the guilt, to start to blame yourself, I want you to tell yourself either verbally or mentally that it wasn’t your fault. No matter how much you think it was try to say those words. Try it for the week and let me know how you find the technique; it can be hard at first but once you get in the habit it’s easier to do.”

Lapis nodded even though she thought Rose was just full of it.

“Do you think Peridot has the same concerns about the relationship as you do?”

“Probably not; I mean she’s a generally anxious person but she’s also totally devoted to making her friendships and relationships work. I don’t understand how anyone could break her heart considering how eager she is to make you or anyone happy.”

“I wish you both the best then; unfortunately our session is over. Will I be seeing you again next week?”

“I think that we’ve reached the stage where you can stopped double checking whether or not I will show up. I’ve commited to what three sessions now? I’m going to see this thing through to the end now. Especially since I’ve become so close with my benefactor.”

Rose nodded before ripping a page out of her notebook and handing it over to Lapis; it had several phone numbers on it.

“My colleagues in addiction; if you tell them I referred you they’ll give you a discount price.”

Lapis took the paper and nodded before standing up and leaving.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw if anyone wants to write the smut for this particular chapter totally feel free.
> 
> Also did I mention I take requests now? I think I've mentioned that before.
> 
> Pop over and drop in a request or whatever;  
> http://sirhate.tumblr.com/


	6. A very long week (part one)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings ahead: Withdrawal symptoms, vomit and overly supportive girlfriends.

“Are you sure about this.”

“Peridot you just asked a drug addict whether or not she’s sure about flushing her entire stash down the toilet and quitting cold-turkey.”

Peridot rolled her eyes before taking Lapis’ hand and squeezing it.

“I’m proud of you.”

Lapis took a deep breath and nodded before dropping a few brown baggies into the toilet, the very last of her stash, and flushed it.

“They say that if you can make it through the first week after that it gets a lot easier.”

Lapis sighed and rolled her shoulders.

“How long can one week be?”

**Day One**

“How are you feeling?”

“Peridot I usually go a day or two without feeling the urge normally, I feel fine.”

Lapis shifted in the bed and tried to focus on her book; Peridot was sitting at her desk, her stream chat having to cope with being ignored by their small angry host whilst she checked in with her girlfriend for the fourth time in twenty minutes.

“Your stream is getting mad that you’re not paying attention to them.”

“They’re not dating a former drug-addict that just quit cold-turkey. I think they can wait.”

A loud obnoxious horn sounded from Peridots computer and she sighed to address them again; her chatroom had started to dissipate and she waited for the voiced message to finish before responding. It was something inane about butts.

“Thank you for the donation guys; where were we? Oh right none of my team ARE ON THE FUCKING PAYLOAD. ASSHOLES WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Lapis chuckled softly to herself as Peridot went back to her game; practice had allowed her to tune out Peridot’s screaming enough that she could enjoy her book. However every now and then she would tune back in to hear what specifically Peridot was getting upset about, it allowed her to ignore the way her skin seemed to itch uncomfortably like there was something crawling there just beneath the surface.

“Okay that’s it I can’t fucking take these people anymore; guys we’re going to play one more game and then I’m closing the stream down. I can only watch my fucking team rush in one at a time by themselves and die miserably before I feel like tearing my keyboard to pieces.”

Lapis smiled and set the book to the side before standing up and leaving the room, passing the camera momentarily causing it to erupt into a series of hello’s and greetings trying to get the attention of someone who wasn’t even watching the stream. She walked over to their kitchen and began to cook spaghetti Bolognese.

She tried to lose herself in the simple movements of boiling spaghetti and making the Bolognese, focusing on the food and mixing the sauce with the meat and serving the plates rather than the dull itch in her skin that was the herald of symptoms far more intense just beyond the horizon. Peridot came out and set the table as Lapis began to serve up the food and sitting down across from her as they began to eat. Occasionally Lapis would scratch her elbow, her nails digging into the skin and leaving red marks.

“What do you want to do tonight?”

“There’s an old horror movie marathon on T.V. we could watch that.”

Peridot shuddered and shook her head;

“You know I hate horror movies.”

“Yeah but these ones were made in like the sixties; they still use puppets and men in suits. It’ll be fun! Besides it’s not like you’ll have to sleep by yourself so what’s there to be scared of?”

She sighed and nodded in resignation.

“Horror movie marathon it is.”

Lapis had lied; the movies that were playing were certainly not from the sixties and the puppets and men in suits looked terrifyingly realistic and by the end of it Peridot was curled up in her girlfriends lap and burying her head into her neck whilst Lapis laughed at all the fake gore.

“I can’t believe you tricked me!”

“You wouldn’t have watched it if I hadn’t lied.”

She grumbles and when the screaming stops on the screen she finally turns to resume watching the movies. At least she got to cuddle up with her girlfriend she supposed; every cloud has its silver lining even if it’s a very gory cloud.

**Day 2**

They strolled through the tech store at twelve at night; they’d showed up just as the place was closing and the manager had turned out to be a fan of Peridot’s so here they were. Lapis had to admit she was a little unnerved by the fact that random people recognised her girlfriend in the street and were more than happy to do things like keep a small tech-store open just so she could buy a new gaming mouse.

“Let me get this straight; your teammates were bad so you destroyed your forty dollar mouse by throwing it at your bedroom wall?”

“It was a Sixty dollar mouse.”

“And I’m the one seeing the therapist.”

Peridot ignored that as she picked up a red and black mouse with about twenty buttons distributed all around the product and examined it before putting down and looking for one that came in lime. Lapis snorted, snapping Peridot out of her concentration and causing her to look over her shoulders at her girlfriend who seemed to be engrossed in something on her phone screen.

“What are you looking at?”

“Just reading something.”

Lapis said, there was a faint blush on her cheeks but a cheeky grin as she scrolled down her screen. Peridot went back to going through the variety of different mice; each one more edgy than the last.

“Why don’t you just get this one?”

Lapis asked; picking up a mouse with only two buttons, not even a scroll wheel. Peridot chose to not respond to that and instead moved further down the aisle and continued to browse the selection of gaming implements. Lapis frowned and put the mouse back down and scrolled further; covering her mouth with her hand and laughing, causing Peridot to shoot her a strange look and feel increasingly paranoid.

“So how many followers would you say you have in your streaming community?”

“I don’t know; last time I checked it was at about eight hundred thousand but it’s a little bigger every day.”

“That’s a lot of people holy shit I didn’t know you were so popular.”

“I’m small, cute and angry. I think to a lot of the guys that follow me I’m a fantasy or something. A lot of people try to ask me out in the chat and whenever someone finds out where I live I always get a bunch of marriage proposals in the mail.”

“That’s weird. Aren’t you scared that someone will start stalking you?”

“Well now I am. Okay what the hell are you reading?”

“Fanfiction.”

“Of?”

“Us.”

Peridot paused and turned to face Lapis with an extremely pale expression; her face as white as a sheet as she rushed over and tried to peer over her much taller girlfriends shoulder.

“You’re joking. Please tell me you’re joking.”

“There’s tonnes of fanfiction about us! There’s even more about you; have you never seen this stuff before?”

“No! I don’t interact with the fans outside of streams!”

“Well you should you’ve got some talented writers. Have you picked out a new mouse yet?”

She huffed as Lapis pulled her phone out of reach and walked back over and grabbed one of the mice that she’d been browsing; it was at least lime coloured.

“Okay let’s go pay for this.”

“Do you think the manager has a shrine dedicated to you?”

“No! He’s just a fan and I wish you’d show them a little bit of respect.”

“I am this is good smut.”

Peridot reached around and suddenly yanked the phone from Lapis’ hand and read the first line before turning bright read and shoving it back into her hand.

“I’m kind of touched that your fans think I’m good-looking enough to be a stripper.”

She said with a smug grin as Peridot rushed towards the counter and tried to forget that they were even having this conversation in the first place. After paying for the thing and giving the guy a quick selfie the pair head on out to Peridot’s car, Lapis still engrossed with in her phone before reading a passage that made her blush as hard as Peridot had.

“Okay your fans need to tone it down a little.”

Peridot rolled her eyes and glanced over at the passage that Lapis has just been reading and frowning.

“What’s so weird about us getting married?”

Lapis looked at her like she’d gone mad and turned her phone off and shoved it into a pocket; her hand reached up and began to scratch at her elbow, an elbow that was now looking sore and a little bit damaged.

“Stop scratching it and answer the question! How is writing us getting married weirder than them writing porn of us?”

“Because it’s just… too real?”

“Lapis we have had more sex than weddings.”

“Why does this matter so much to you!”

“Because I feel like you’re laughing at the idea of this relationship… lasting.”

Lapis looked over at her girlfriend’s frustrated expression as she tried to figure out what she was trying to say and reached out and took Peridot’s hand and gave it a squeeze. There was a moment between the two and then Lapis spoke.

“I love you.”

Peridot looked up at her with a confused expression and her mouth open and shut again before she grinned sheepishly and kissed her gently on the lips, and then a little more urgently.

“You said it first!”

“Usually people say I love you back.”

“Of course I love you too!”

There was an edge of relief in Peridot’s voice that worried Lapis a little bit but she was too busy suddenly making out with her girlfriend to think too hard about it. She pulled away reluctantly and nodded towards the shop.

“As much as I would love to have sex in your car in the middle of a parking lot at midnight he can see us and he creeped me out a little bit so maybe we should head back to our apartment or at least somewhere a little bit more discreet.”

They went somewhere a little bit more discreet.

**Day three**

Lapis groaned into the toilet; vomiting again and shuddering as the contents of her stomach spewed out into the water, she stared at what remained of her lunch before flushing it down and wiping her mouth with toilet-paper. Someone knocked on the stall-door and the voice of one of her co-workers (high-pitched enough that she was certain that it was going to make her ear-drums burst) came ringing through the door.

“Lapis are you okay? Maybe you should head home.”

“I’m fine thank you Pearl. I’ll be out in a second.”

She groaned and waited for Pearl to leave the bathroom and finally exited the stall and splashed water on her face. She emptied a handful of brightly coloured mints into her hand and chewed them until they were all she could taste. She wiped her face with more toilet-paper and took a few deep breaths.

She could already feel the nausea again and she wanted to kick herself for not listening to Peridot and just taking the rest of the week off. She should’ve known she was going to be bad when she threw up this morning. She looked at herself in the mirror to check that she was presentable before smoothing down her waitress uniform and heading out into the restaurant.

Her shift was another three hours and she spends it serving rude customers and collecting unimpressive tips; honestly it was a good thing that Peridot was making so much money from her streaming because there was no way she was making enough money to cover rent and all their bills just from this shitty job.

When the shift finally came to an end she found herself back in the toilet-stalls puking into the basin again. Pearl was with her this time, politely and demurely holding her hair back, whilst she struggled to not pass out between everything that was assaulting her mind.

“I’m proud of you.”

Pearl finally says and Lapis looks up at her with confusion.

“I saw your arms one time, when you were cleaning in the kitchens. I saw the marks.”

Lapis groaned and dry heaved into the toilet again.

“Please don’t tell the manager, I need this job.”

She managed to gasp out, breathing in slowly through her nose. Her throat hurt and her stomach felt painfully empty, at this point she was just throwing up air.

“I won’t tell anyone; it’s not my business but… I just thought you should hear it. I know we don’t really socialise outside of our job but I’m rooting for you all the way.”

Lapis chuckled and pulled away from the toilet to lean against the wall of stall; she smiled weakly at Pearl.

“Thank you, it sounds sarcastic but I mean it.”

Pearl nods and offers her a glass of water and Lapis takes it gratefully; sipping it and spitting into the toilet to try and get rid of the foul taste in her mouth. She drank the rest of the water to get some fluids back in her and Pearl helped her to her feet.

“Let me drive you home.”

Lapis wanted to protest, to do this by herself, then she realised the only reason she hadn’t caved yet was because of the constant unrelenting support of her girlfriend. Any other time she might have found it overbearing but at the moment it filled her with enough strength to climb a mountain. A theoretical mountain, she was barely managing to stand on her own two legs.

She leaned on Pearl as they walked out to her car and let out a low sigh as she sat down in the passenger seat. Pearl placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder before putting the car into gear and driving her home. When they get to Lapis’ apartment building Pearl pulls up and frowns.

“Are you going to be okay? What floor do you live on?”

“The fifteenth, don’t worry I’ll be fine. Thank you for the lift Pearl.”

Lapis’ voice was raw and the girl looked exhausted but she opened the door and pulled herself out anyway; waving goodbye to her co-worker and heading into the lobby. She leaned on the wall once she was out of sight of Pearl and tried to calm herself; breathing slowly and deeply and rubbing her palm against her head.

She managed to get all the way to her door before she fainted.


	7. Chapter 7

Lapis awakes to the sound of strangers voices muttering just outside of hearing range and an intense pressure between her eyes that makes her want to die. She presses a palm against her forehead and slowly rubs it, opening her eyes and then shutting them tight again as the light of the room nearly blinds her. A third voice joins the other two and she recognises it as Peridots and she’s a little relieved; at least Peridots here. She opens her eyes again and slowly adjusts to the brightness of the room she’s in; she slowly sits herself up and takes in her surroundings.

Where is she?\

She’s on a hospital bed and there’s something dripping into her arm and she resists the urge to yank it out; the lights overhead are bright and the room she’s in has white walls, a curtained off window, and a monitor right next to her bed. She watches the green beam go from left to right, up and down, in a regular pattern. That was her; a visual reference that she was still, in fact, alive. Finally the voices that are too far for her to hear properly get closer and two doctors and Peridot step into the room.

“You’re awake!”

Peridot says with a noticeable look of relief washing over her face; she rushes over to the bed and hugs Lapis tightly. Lapis lets out a tiny gasp but pats Peridot on the back whilst the monitor continues to beep in the background. It takes a second for her to register that Peridot is in fact crying and she pulls away awkwardly.

“Was I not meant to?”

There’s an awkward glance between the two doctors and Peridot just squeezes her tighter.

“You were… very weak miss Lazuli. We actually have a few questions to ask you; just some simple stuff that I expect you’re going to see coming.”

Lapis nods and Peridot reluctantly pulls away from her, sitting on the edge of the bed. One of the doctors took out a pen from his pocket and wrote something at the top of his clipboard.

“You may want to answer these questions in private.”

“No it’s fine; Peridot can stay.”

The doctor nods and writes something else down on his clipboard. The other regards his own clipboard before speaking;

“Have you taken any narcotics recently?”

“Not for… five days?”

“Six. You’ve been out for a while.”

“Do you or your family have a history of mental illness.”

“I do, I don’t know about my family I was an orphan.”

There’s more scribbling as the doctors add things to their notes before the next question comes.

“Have you ever attempted suicide in the past?”

There’s a pause and Peridot grips Lapis’ hand and gently runs her hand over her knuckles.

“Yes but that was a very long time ago. I’m fine now; why? Do you think I was trying to kill myself?”

“We have to examine all the options it’s just part of our job. In our experience people don’t starve themselves for no reason and certainly not to the point where they pass out in a hallway. Do you have any history with eating-disorders?”

“No. Listen you’ve got this all wrong I wasn’t trying to kill myself; I have a therapist. I was trying to quit heroin.”

“Cold turkey?”

Lapis nods and a look of understanding passes between the two doctors; they scribble down more notes on their clipboards.

“Okay that explains a lot; quitting cold-turkey is never a good idea miss Lazuli no matter how supportive your friends are. The hospital has a few contacts we’ll pass on to you to help with addiction, right now I take it you’re suffering from withdrawal? The vomiting and nausea is going to return in an hour or so and it’s going to be worse. Legally we can’t force you to do anything but we recommend putting you on methadone; the symptoms aren’t going to abate after just a week or two and the worse the symptoms get the more likely you are to fall back into addiction.”

Lapis just sat there quietly, Peridot clutching her hand.

“I’ll think about it; is it okay if we can get some privacy?”

“Of course. We’ll keep you for overnight observation and naturally we can’t make you do anything but it is our opinion that you should take advantage of the resources we have available here at the hospital.”

The doctor nods and both of them leave Lapis and Peridot alone in the room, Lapis pulls Peridot over and lays back. Her hands roam through her soft hair, gently playing with it whilst Peridot snuggled up closer to her. Their heart rates slowly synced up and soon the smaller girl was sound asleep in Lapis’ arms. Lapis just stared at the ceiling whilst her hand played softly with Peridot’s hair, moving down to her shoulder and drawing small circles on her skin. She wanted to take this feeling of Peridot in her arms, that familiar warmth, and cement it in her memory forever. When she died she wanted this feeling, this sensation, to be what she left behind; a feeling of arms wrapped around her girlfriend, protective, she wanted Peridot to be there forever.

She sighed and hugged Peridot tighter and buried her face in her hair; breathing in deeply, Peridot shifted in her arms and nuzzled close against her. A dozen thoughts rolled around Lapis’ mind but the one that slowly rose to the surface was that aching need deep in her stomach for something she knew would inevitably kill her. It was a craving that set her teeth on edge and made her pick and scratch at her skin, anything to take the edge off, to remove that lonely pain.

She couldn’t do this alone and that hurt to admit, and she couldn’t do it with Peridot which hurt even more. She lay back in the bed and closed her eyes; feeling suddenly exhausted despite being awake for less than an hour, maybe when she awoke it would be in a body that didn’t ache in every way.

A day later she sat down and talk through her options with a professional; Peridot was sat next to her the entire time, holding her hand and taking in all the information as well.

“We’ll start you off on a fairly standard dosage and see if that relieves your symptoms and then adjust it accordingly; after that we’ll gradually decrease the dose until quitting completely seems like a viable option. You’re already seeing a therapist correct?”   
Lapis nodded.

“If you pass us her details we’ll communicate with her; that way it’s as small of a disruption to your life as possible. The less stressful this is the faster you’ll be able to quit for good, I want to warn you now that relapsing is a very common occurrence even with this type of treatment. We want to emphasise that there’s no shame in it and the moment it happens telling the ones you care about, your support network, is the best thing you can do.”

Lapis nodded again and Peridot squeezed her hand.

“How much is this going to cost?”

“Well we can do it through your insurance and that should hopefully cover everything. You are insured right?”

“N-”

“She’s on mine.”

Lapis glanced down at Peridot but decided not to object.

“Well that’s good then; we’ll do a bit of negotiating but you should be able to start as soon as you see your therapist again.”

After an exchange of information, mostly Peridot filling out forms for her, and then the pair were outside of the hospital in Peridot’s car sitting in silence.

“Since when am I on your insurance?”

Peridot took a deep breath and seemed to be psyching herself up;

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

“Okay what’s the good news?”

“The insurance will cover everything.”

Lapis nodded slowly.

“And the bad news?”

“It’ll only cover everything if you’re my wife.”

There was a very long pause with Peridot just staring ahead before Lapis snorted out a laugh and hugged her tightly.

“Is that your way of proposing to me?”

“N-no! It’s just that it’s cheaper than having to pay for it out of pocket. I’m not made of money. And like there’s tax benefits and stuff too on top of that and really a marriage certificate is just a piece of paper that we can nullify at any point so it’s not that bi-”

“Propose.”

“What?”

“Propose properly! You can’t just wake me up from a coma and then state you’re my wife.”

“B-but I don’t have a ring! And this is like a parking lot outside a hospital! It’s not romantic an-”

“You should have thought about it before putting me down as your /wife/ on your insurance.”

“Lapis!”

“Just ask Peridot.”   
“Will you marry me?”

Lapis hummed for a moment before grinning

“No!”

“No?”

“Did you think I’d say yes in a hospital car-park without a ring?”

Peridot stared at her in horror but Lapis giggled and then laughed and soon Peridot joined her and they were happy. Once they’d calmed down Lapis leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips, a loving kiss that sent a tiny thrill through Peridot’s body.

“Of course I’ll marry you. But seriously for future reference it’s polite to ask first.”

Peridot smiled sheepishly before adding;

“Do you think it’s a good idea? Getting married I mean.”

“You’re the one marrying a drug addict, you tell me.”

Peridot sighed and Lapis ruffled her hair reassuringly.

“I think that we’re young and stupid and can afford to make this mistake if it is a mistake. I also think that you’re the only person I could marry. Peridot I  _ want _ to marry you; I mean it freaks me out a little but I want to do it.”

Peridot smiled brightly up at her before turning away and wiping her eyes; Lapis smiled and gently pulled her back, leaning in and kissing her on the lips again. It got more urgent and by the time they finally disentangled themselves from each other they were both blushing furiously.

“Whose name are we gonna take?”

“Pfft mine of course. I like the ring of Peridot Lazuli.”

Peridot grinned and kissed her again.

When they got home they didn’t even make it to the bed.

 


	8. Chapter 8

****

“I have been informed that you are starting drug-treatment in regards to your addiction. I actually have your prescription here in my office.”

Lapis nodded and set her coat down behind the chair and sat down in it, her legs crossed and her head resting against the back of the chair. There were scratch marks all over her arms and deep bags under her eyes but the small smile on her face was more genuine than any that Rose had seen on the girl before.

“I’m also getting married.”

“Oh?”

Lapis’ smile grew, blushing faintly she ran a hand through her hair and shifted forwards in her seat.

“It’s probably too early in the relationship for that kind of thing but we’ve known each other for so long and she takes care of me, to be honest I don’t really know why she wants to marry me. I’m a mess from top to bottom.”

Her eyes glanced down and away from Rose but her position didn’t seem to shift, she shrugged and finally made eye contact again.

“Who proposed? Peridot?”

Lapis nodded and her smile grew fond and her eyes glanced away as though recalling a fond memory.

“Nothing too big or fancy; we’re just going to sign some documents, she’s even taking my name.”

Rose jotted something down in her notebook and offered her client a smile.

“I suppose a congratulations are in order then; perhaps we could organise something? Maybe a small celebration. My wife loves planning such things and I certainly feel this development deserves at least a small dinner party.”

“Maybe. Right now though we’ve booked an appointment to get officiated, we do need a witness however. I was hoping you’d be it? We don’t really have many friends that live nearby at the moment and the event is next week. We’re just going to sign some papers and then probably head home.”

Rose chewed on the top of her pen before nodding.

“I’ll clear my schedule for the day; you can come to our house after. Me and Kanaya will treat you to something nice; you’ve made a lot of progress honestly. Positive steps; maybe being married will help your life feel a little bit more stable.”

Lapis nodded and her hands almost on cue began to pick at her arms again. Rose glanced at her fidgeting and stood up to walk behind her desk; after some rummaging she threw a small bottle over at Lapis and poured her a glass of water from a jug on her desk and handed it over to her.

“Take one every twenty four hours. It’ll take about ten minutes for the effects to kick in; at our next session we’ll talk about adjusting the dosage if necessary.

There’s a pause whilst Lapis nods and takes the pill, swallowing it and putting the pills into her pocket and taking a deep breath.

“My advice is for you to give them to Peridot. Less of a temptation that way. They’re not a complete substitute, the itch will still be there. However the desire to tear off your skin and puke you stomach into a toilet will hopefully go away.”

“Better than nothing.”   
“Indeed. Now is there anything in particular you’d like to talk about today?”

There was a moment of silence whilst Lapis thought, she bit her lower lip and chewed on it whilst her hands gently pressed down against the sore skin of her arms.

“Do you think I am going to relapse?”

Rose regarded her before nodding slowly

“Does that scare you Lapis?”

“Yeah… a lot. I don’t want to disappoint Peri, I don’t want to hurt her again. I feel like every time she helps me figure something out something else comes up and there’s only so much of that someone can take right? I’m scared that if I relapse she’ll just… leave.”

“Well she intends to marry you so I doubt that she’ll just break off the engagement like that.”

“I know but I don’t know I think she just expects this to go completely smoothly. I couldn’t bring myself to see a therapist but then she made me, I couldn’t move on from what Jasper did to me and then she came along and was just, was just….”

“Perfect?”

“Yes. Then there was all of this where I tried to quit cold-turkey and she was super supportive with that and it was my idea and then it just failed. It just didn’t work and I ended up in hospital costing her more money and more stress and just…”

“Lapis who proposed?”

“She did.”

“If she was going to leave you why would she ask you to marry her?”

“I don’t know maybe she thinks it’ll help! Or maybe she just likes taking care of me like I’m some kind of weird doll to her or maybe she’s just trying to isolate me like Jasper did and thi-”

Rose stood up and walked over to Lapis and knelt down beside her to gently hold her hand.

“Lapis look at me.”

Lapis’ breathing was heavy and there were tears flooding her eyes and she was shaking, Rose gently squeezed her hand.

“Lapis she’s not Jasper, she’s not going to hurt you. She’s not going to abandon you. If she does turn out to be manipulating you then I am here for you. You have someone to turn to, a place to go, okay? Just take deep breaths.”

Lapis nodded and slowly calmed down.

“How long have you been scared that Peridot is just using you?”

Lapis sighed and rubbed her eyes; Rose fetched her a tissues and she took it thankfully and slowly began to tear it into pieces causing Rose’s hand to twitch a little at the mess.

“S-sorry.”

“It’s fine honestly. Do you want to talk about these doubts?”

Lapis nodded and shoved the tissue into her pocket 

“Since she made me start seeing you again; I don’t know it just reminded me of how Jasper was. So assertive and commanding. I was scared honestly that you would just have me locked away somewhere.”

Rose nodded and sat back down in her chair.

“Have you tried talking to Peridot about your doubts, your fears.”

Lapis sighed and shook her head.

“That would just cause an argument and I don’t want to hurt her like that. Things are going so well.”

“Not as well as Peridot thinks; talk to her Lapis, some conversations you need to have. If you’re scared, if you’re worried about how she feels then talk to her. An argument is better than letting a fear like this fester and grow into something that you can’t manage.”

“You want me to tell my fiance that she reminds me of my abuser?”

“Well when you phrase it like that it sounds like a bad idea; might I suggest leading with your fear that she will leave you if you relapse and then move into the “you remind me of my abuser” territory. I’m sure she’ll be an understanding partner.”

Lapis chuckled weakly but nodded; in the end she knew Rose was right.

At home after dinner Lapis planned out a dozen ways to approach the subject, a dozen ways to make it good, ranging from alcohol to pot brownies to straight up bringing it up during sex. However she knew that she had to have this conversation  sober.

“Can we talk?”

“Well that sounds absolutely terrifying but sure why not.”

Peridot raise her feet off the floor and hugged her legs to her chest and stared at Lapis expectantly and for a moment seeing her there like that; small, vulnerable, but attendant. It made Lapis’ heart skip a beat.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Peridot said with a sheepish smile but shifted a little awkwardly; clearly uncomfortable, anxious even.

“I love you but…

“It’s “I love your butt.””

Peridot said jokingly and Lapis offered a nervous laugh in response.

“Why?”

The question took Peridot by surprise and she just stared blankly at Lapis trying to puzzle out what she meant.   
“Why what? Why do you love me? Why do I love you?”

“Why are you still here.”

Peridot coughed nervously;

“I live here.”

“No i mean why are you still staying around me when all I ever seem to do is hurt you.”

“Because we’re dating? Do you want space? We can take a break if you want.”

Peridot’s answer was earnest and there was a look of genuine concern and fear in her eyes.

“Okay I need to think about what I’m going to say; this communication stuff isn’t as easy as Rose makes it sound.”

“That’s okay; should I put the kettle on?”

Lapis rolled her eyes and lifted her legs up onto the sofa and hugged them against her chest.

“What made you fall in love with me.”

Peridot opened her mouth to answer but then paused and looked over at Lapis and shut it and began to think about why Lapis was asking the question.

“Are you afraid I’m going to leave you?”

“I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you again.”

“Again?”

Lapis curled up tighter and clutched her legs tighter and Peridot slowly began to open up and shifted over to Lapis.

“Are you afraid that  _ I  _ am going to hurt you?”

Peridot asked softly and reached out and rested a hand on Lapis’ shoulder, the girl leaned into it and sighed, resting her head gently against that hand.

“No… I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I know you won’t leave me without warning or even hurt me like Jasper did but I just can’t shake this feeling that something is going to go wrong. I know I’m going to relapse at some point because I’m like that, self-destructive, my own worst enemy really and you’ve already put up with so much already it’s not… it’s not fair for you to suffer because of me.”

“Lapis I love you.”

“I know you do bu-”

“I  _ love  _ you.”

Peridot cupped her face with her hands and gently turned her head to look at her in the eyes; there was a look between the two and Peridot realised that she would never understand what Lapis felt. That there was a chasm of experience between them that they could never bridge. Lapis saw it too and felt  _ alone _ . Then Peridot hugged her tightly and refused to let go; Lapis smiled weakly at first and returned the hug and then buried her head in Peridot’s shoulder and then began to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am running out of reasons for Lapis to be miserable so I guess the next chapter will be the finale ^_^


	9. Chapter 9

“And just like that you’re married! You can kiss the bride if you’d like or not. It’s your preference.”

“Karkat.”

“Hey if you wanted a quality fucking service then you wouldn’t have hired  _ me  _ to ordain this shit or whatever.”

“Karkat!”

The angry hispanic man rolled his eyes before clearing his throat again;

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Peridot let out a happy squeal and wrapped her arms around Lapis’ neck; the two embracing in a sweet if somewhat overly enthusiastic kiss. Their “priest” slammed his bible shut and glanced down at his clock;

“Okay I gotta go I promised Dave I’d meet him like fifteen minutes ago. He’s going to fucking murder me I just know it. Ciao!”

With the registry signed, the priest gone, and the formalities taken care of the pair were greeted with a half-hearted applause from the only people that had been invited to the signing. Rose congratulated Lapis and Peridot with a warm hug each. Kanaya smiled fondly at them both but stood a bit behind Rose.

“Are you sure we can’t tempt you to come back to ours for a celebratory dinner?”

“It’s very generous of you but we want to celebrate our wedding night our own way.”

Lapis said with a grin and Peridot blushed faintly as the four of them made their way out of the registry and down onto the street. It had begun to snow and a thin sheet of white powder had covered the streets, Lapis clutched Peridot’s hand tightly and they both leaned in towards each other.

“Well congratulations Mrs and Mrs Lazuli, I hope you enjoy your wedding night. We shall head off home.”

“Thank you for everything. Helping me, and being a witness to our impromptu marriage.”

“Anytime.”

They waved goodbye and once they were alone the pair turned to each other with loving looks.

“So what do you wanna do?”

Peridot asked.

“Let's go for a walk.”

Lapis lead the way down the street with snow crunching beneath their shoes. Lapis’ thumb gently stroked along Peridot’s hand even as the cold began to make their extremities feel numb. She led the way into a park; the snow here undisturbed so far, and straight over to a bench that overlooked a lake. She slid her arm around Peridot’s waist and pulled her in close; Peridot sighed and nestled up against her, nuzzling her head against her wife and smiling.

“We actually got married.”

“We actually did.”

The hand around Peridot’s waist finds her hand and their fingers tangle together, gripping each other almost protectively. Lapis never wanted to let go and for a moment the only noise in the entire planet was the sound of their breathing and then a second later not even that. The kiss was soft, sweet, innocent, Lapis found a future in those lips that she never wanted to say goodbye too.

There’s another pause as Lapis pulls away and Peridot stares up at her;

“You saved me.”

Lapis says softly, beneath her breath, and it feels so true to her that she blushes and has to look away for a second. Peridot pulls her face back and they kiss again. Soon the snow starts to fall again and it gets too much even for them and they make their way home hand in hand, not letting go until they were back in their apartment.

They hung up their coats, turned on the heating, Peridot made them hot chocolate whilst Lapis moved the sofa back a little and fetched pillows and blankets and laid them out on the floor in front of their T.V. before setting Netflix up on the screen. Peridot walked over with two mugs of hot chocolate and handed one to Lapis before settling down alongside her underneath the blankets.

They put on something simple and nestled up against each other; alternating between the warmth of their mugs and each other's hands as the screen gently pulsed in front of them.

“What do you wanna do about dinner?”

Peridot asked after a while, her head resting against Lapis’ shoulder.

“We could cook something or…”

Her voice is soft and she leans down with a coy smile on her lips;

“But honestly I’m feeling like eating out.”

“Lapis.”

Peridot murmured before pulling her into a kiss; her stomach grumbling interrupted their makeout session.

“Seriously though food.”

“I’m feeling like thai.”

“I could eat thai.”

Lapis gets up and they order food and then they’re back back together in a bundle of blankets snuggling up against each other; Lapis’ arms holding Peridot in her lap like she was some precious doll. For the first time in a while Lapis didn’t feel like everything was about to go horribly wrong because of a decision she had made.

“Lapis?”

“Hmmm?”

“Are you happy?”

There’s a moment of silence and then;

“No, but I have you so that’s okay.”

Peridot sighed and pressed back against Lapis.

“Lapis when your  _ newly married  _ wife asks you if you’re happy you’re meant to say “Yes” or “You make me happy” or something along those lines.”

“I guess, I mean i’m never happier than when your head is between my legs. Does that count?”

Peridot blushed furiously but turned around and kissed Lapis passionately on the lips; her hands tugging at Lapis’ shirt.

“Food is going to be here in twenty minutes.”

“That’s enough time for foreplay.”

Lapis laughed at that;

“I love you so much.”

She murmured and then they enjoyed each other for twenty minutes, then their food arrived so they answered the door and got their food, then they enjoyed each other for many many years.

 


End file.
